Marshall (friend, fellow FoA Blog contributor) posted a tweet that has people up in arms in his replies:
It’s a simple, declarative statement – stop using “The Apps” (Grindr, Tinder, Bumble, Crumble, Gumblr, Fumble, et al) as a conduit for finding your soulmate.
wow they really banned him from everything smh
I’m sure he’ll get into detail in a future post, but this brought to mind some personal experience that’s worth sharing.
Let’s get this straight: The Apps are The Apps.
This might seem redundant, but you and I both know what you’re looking for when you’re on one of these apps. Many of us have been there, but Mr. Right hasn’t.
Despite this being an otherwise-understood fact, you’ll get one of three replies:
- “I live in Bunghole, OK and it’s the only way to meet people”
- “I met my partner of 2 years, Sergio (she/him) on an app, how dare you”
- “I’m just on there to make friends! (with my ass)”
Exceptions are, of course, never the rule. Yours truly has gone on some good and enjoyable dates from said apps, but political alignment always seemed to get in the way. Younger-me looked past that, thinking “aw hell, maybe I can make a James Carville / Mary Matalin type of thing work!” but the older (wiser?) I get the less “worth-it” that sounds. It gets tiring having to explain yourself just to make the other person who’s supposed to be closest to you understand you come from a good place. You keep a wall up, and walls are for borders, not relationships.
he warned you!
The friends argument is understandable, but a cop-out. Yes, as non-straights on the non-Left we are a minority of a minority.
I seem to hear this from both angles – “I live in a rural environment and there’s no gays!” much as I hear “I live in an urban environment and there’s no conservatives!”
Yes, we face hurdles, and you’re probably not going to end up with someone you went to high school with like your peers did. That doesn’t mean move, but widen your scope. Look elsewhere. There’s someone else among these 50 states who probably feels similar to you in that they’re not dating a high school sweetheart either. Become each other’s after high school sweethearts – after all, you get the benefit of not having to worry about a ticking biological clock.
This reply really stuck with me – “I can’t randomly walk up to the hot guy at the grocery store and ask him on a date.”
I’m here to tell you: yes, you can.
Picture this: 2012.
I’m getting into good shape for the first time in my life.
I’m going to the gym 6 days a week, training with one of my good friends from high school.
I see this guy there a couple times. My tastes at the time were pretty eclectic, but hewed closely to myself (early 20s, swimmers build, twinkish).
This guy was different. He was beefy, built, “swole” as the kids say. Probably in his 30s. Looked like he had his shit together. And I remember his smile – it was absolutely disarming.
It sent my young gay heart into a swandive – I didn’t know if I wanted to fight this dude, be this dude, be with this dude – my compass was spinning.
I talked to my best straight friend about this ordeal, and he was blunt as a spoon – “you should go up and talk to him”.
“Oh no no no,” I said. I scrambled together every excuse in the book. My anxiety swelled. “What if he isn’t gay? What if he thinks I’m just weird? What do I even say?”
I protested, but my friend wasn’t going to let me down easy – “tomorrow – you’re going to go up and talk to him.”
Nervous as hell, that next afternoon at the gym I struck up a conversation. I probably blacked out a little so I can’t recall the details, but he was really sweet. He made a point of saying hi to me every time he saw me afterwards. He showed interest, and I couldn’t believe it. Current-day-me would’ve asked him on a real date, but Baby Wyatt wasn’t ready for that yet.
The point being – don’t prejudge strangers based upon your own insecurities and anxieties. Just start talking to someone like normal. If you summon up the courage to ask someone in real life out on a real life date – the worst they can say is no. Then move it along.
But back to the apps, where people show everything except their hearts.
The Apps ($5 after 5PM!) do serve a purpose for hooking up, and that’s really above my pay grade. I do know this from experience – you can have a lot of temporary fun, but at the end of the day, you’ll meet a lot of lonely people like yourself.
That’s still an unfulfilled need for friendship, and that’s why places like Friends of Abe exist (it’s in the title!) Some of us have grown very close during a difficult year, and we haven’t let geographic boundaries get in the way of checking in on each other.
There’s a lot that we face – as individuals, and as a community. It starts by being honest with ourselves – what do we want, what’s out there, what’s possible?
You’re capable of finding your needs and meeting them.
And crucially – don’t let something silly like The Apps get in the way of finding what you truly want in life.
